“My 9-year-old son told me our neighbor boy, his friend, described pornographic scenes he saw in detail to him. My son is traumatized.”
I read the above on a Facebook page I follow. This parent went on to say that she was caught off guard. Even though she has talked with her child about sex and puberty, she hadn’t discussed pornography. In the comment section under the original post, parent after parent described similar circumstances with their children.
Preteens and teens show their friends porn.
“Yes, it happened to my 10-year-old at a sleepover. I wasn’t prepared.”
“My child was introduced to porn by a classmate at school at age nine. We didn’t find out until our child was 12.”
“My daughter was exposed to adult content at 11.”
“I had to talk to my neighbor about something similar. It’s so hard when the children grew up together and you now have to talk about this with them.”
Friends show friends porn. Unfortunately, this behavior is common and can be devastating for our children and heartbreaking for parents.
Children are typically exposed to pornography one of three ways. They accidentally stumble across it, they are curious and do a search and find it, or a friend shows them. Friends show their friends porn. It’s an unfortunate fact, but a fact nonetheless. So we need to be mentally prepared and be proactive in our parenting.
Start Conversations Early
We can be proactive by starting conversations about pornography and its dangers at a very young age. Pornography is everywhere and its preying on our children. Therefore, our best offense and defense is talking about pornography with our children.
We shouldn’t be afraid of the conversations. We warn our children about other dangers in the world. Don’t put your finger in an electrical socket. Don’t touch a hot stove. Add one more . . . Don’t look at bad pictures, ones that show areas that should be covered (the underwear zone) or are intended to make us think inappropriate thoughts. Fill in the blank with correct anatomical terminology and adapt the conversation to your child’s age and maturity level.
Helpful Suggestions from Other Parents
In the post I mentioned above, after her child told her what happened, mom told him how proud she was of him for telling her. She reminded her son that curiosity was normal but the internet has confusing and dangerous things.
In the comment section, parents offered fantastic advice to this hurting mom.
“Remind him you’re available to listen if he has follow-up questions or just wants to talk.”
“Let him lead the conversation, listen, and allow him to express his feelings.”
“Be open and honest. Explain sex using correct anatomical terminology, and say when it’s appropriate to have sex.”
“Explain that pornography is not the same as real life. It’s unrealistic, objectifying, and violent.”
“Be careful of other children who show pornography. That’s how child-on-child abuse begins.”
“Seek out a counselor for your child, if necessary.”
One parent suggested role play, an excellent idea. Role playing provides children with practical tools for future use. Whether your child has already been exposed to pornography or not, sit with him or her and go over different scenarios in which they may be exposed to pornography. Then brainstorm some responses.
Here’s one example: If a friend says, “Hey, look at this,” and holds a device out for you to view, what will you do? After listening to your child’s response, you may suggest that instead of just looking at the device, they could first ask, “What are you going to show me?” If the friend indicates the video or photo may be inappropriate, empower your child to say, “No, thank you. I don’t want to see it.”
Youth will show their friends porn. Your child is likely to be exposed. So, help your child be ready and prepare yourself for the inevitable. You’ve got this!
Other Resources
If your child has already been exposed to pornography, subscribe at Hopeful Mom to receive the FREE download, 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn. I also recommend the two downloadable booklets in the “My Child Saw Porn” series available at Hopeful Mom’s shop page.
For parents with children age 3-7, I recommend reading this book with them: Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, Jr. For parents with children age 7-11, I recommend reading Good Pictures, Bad Pictures with them.
Check out the family game page at Hopeful Mom. Games are an excellent way to interact without screens and build relationships with your children.
If anyone in your household needs help with a pornography problem, visit 423 Communities, Be Broken Ministries, SHE Recovery, or Fortify.
Remember: our child’s behavior does not define them. Nor does it define you. Healing is possible. No matter what choices our children have made in the past, they can turn things around and begin making healthy choices in the future.
Barb Winters
Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom.
