Anger in the Parenting Years
Anger. We’ve all fallen victim to it. A burning sensation lit quickly or simmering under other emotions, slowly escalating. Sometimes we’re so overwhelmed by anger, we teeter on the edge of sanity. And sometimes we don’t realize anger’s there until it explodes.
Anger surprises us with irrational behavior and unintentional insults.
But anger also propels us to stand up for an underdog or speak out against an injustice.
Anger is a natural response to a life event. But left unattended, anger festers and permeates our well-being, like an untreated infection.
Parenting Triggers
Teens can aggravate their parents. What triggers you? Talking back, rolling eyes, or the silent treatment? Yelling at your request to clean their room, put down their device, or help with chores? Ignoring you when you ask about their day or try to engage in a conversation? What awakens the part of you each of us tries to bury?
Why do we get angry?
Anger can be a defense mechanism. We use anger to insulate us from pain caused by people and circumstances. Let’s explore a few of the emotions anger masks.
Exhaustion. Parenting is physically and mentally exhausting. Endless tasks and decisions can wipe us out. We may eat improperly, rarely exercise, and get little sleep. This perpetuates fatigue. Then, when a child breaks even a small standard, we snap. Anger steps in, ready and willing to take charge.
Worry. Anger can mask worry. We may fret about a child’s ongoing unhealthy decisions, their well-being, or their future. Instead of asking questions and responding calmly, we choose to yell, lecture, and punish. Concern for a child’s welfare is valid but responding from anger benefits no one.
Fear. Fear accompanies worry. Worrying about the future may cause us to live in fear. Will my child struggle with this behavior forever? Will their decisions disrupt our family life? Will they harm themselves or others? These incessant thoughts consume us. Rather than face our fear, we allow anger to take over.
Hurt. When a child breaks rules, participates in unhealthy behaviors, or treats us poorly, we hurt. We’re hurt by our child because they ignored us or rebelled against us. We’re hurt for our child because they don’t understand the ramifications of their behavior. So we hold up anger to guard against more pain. Anger is an acceptable response to an offense. However, if we allow this emotion to control us, we may lash out at our child or an innocent bystander. We may fling unreasonable punishments at them.
In each instance above, we believe our angry mask protects us from future wounds. Unfortunately, anger’s a poor shield. Anger doesn’t deflect daggers.
Grief. A discussion of anger should include the topic of grief because anger is a stage of grief. When our heart aches due to a loss of some sort, we may experience frustration, rage or resentment toward ourselves, the situation, God, or others. This is a normal response to a situation we can’t control. The key is to recognize anger as part of grief and to process these feelings to heal.
Working Through Anger
- Acknowledge. The first step to healing is acknowledgement. When you notice yourself overreacting, yelling, slamming doors, or participating in other behaviors that indicate you’ve hit your limit, don’t ignore, stuff, or pretend. Instead, pause and admit you’re angry.
- Identify. Who or what fuels your anger? This may include an inciting incident and/or an ongoing pattern. Several layers may surface as you think about the source of your emotions. As mentioned above, injustice, such as poverty, abuse, or predatory behavior, may be the foundation.
- Process. Journal or talk with a confidant about your feelings. If anger masks another emotion, sit with the original emotion. Navigate through both the event and subsequent feelings. This may include forgiving someone who offended you, dropping an expectation someone isn’t living up to, or changing your routine.
- Release. Let go of expectations or unrealistic desires. This may include an assumption that your child will act in a particular way. We may also set standards for ourselves that we can’t reach. Dropping these expectations frees us. Letting go of areas we cannot control liberates us.
- Restore. When possible, restore relationships. Anger drives wedges. A humble heart creates bridges. Ask the people you’ve hurt to forgive you and work toward restoring the relationship.
One last note: Anger sparked by iniquity can motivate us to stand against injustice. However, we should proceed cautiously, operating from a place of healing and humility rather than fury.
We all experience anger. But we don’t have to allow it to control us. When you sense anger burning within, pause. Take a deep breath, process your emotions, and go back to the situation with a calm presence. In this manner, we model healthy behavior to our children and create a peaceful environment in our homes.
Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom. In March 2025, Barb was named in the list of 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids.
