A great tragedy of our day is that many of us want to be loved, but we’re terrified of being known. ~ The Wolf in Their Pockets by Chris Martin, p. 64
Community matters. The people we interact with regularly, whether friends, neighbors, classmates, or co-workers, influence us. Our surroundings impact our beliefs, thoughts, and opinions, as well as our physical and mental health. All these factors contribute to our behavior.
In short, we should choose our friends wisely and engage with others in-person frequently. This applies both to us (parents) and our teens.
We’ve touched on peer pressure, social media dangers, and mental health in previous posts. All of these affect our teens.
Do your teenagers think online friendships are sufficient and all the interaction they need? Maybe their only friends are people across the nation who play the same game every evening. Or perhaps they believe sending snaps through SnapChat every ten minutes is a fulfilling relationship. While these actions aren’t necessarily wrong in and of themselves, in-person community can’t be replaced.
Unfortunately, as a society, we have increasingly turned to social media for “connection.” But, as Chris Martin states in his book The Wolf in Their Pockets, “the social internet warps our understanding of friendship.” We’ve overlooked the problems with this type of connection because we’ve allowed social media to creep into our lives to the extent that we believe everyone we interact with on our devices are “real” friends.
Martin believes the social internet warps our understanding of friendship in these three ways (from the chapter “Build Friendship” in The Wolf in Their Pockets):
- The social internet makes friendship a commodity. Friends are a means to an end.
- We mistake clicks of affirmation for acts of love. A retweet or share isn’t the same as a shoulder to cry on.
- We believe a digital connection can supplant an embodied connection. We intentionally pursue online relationships rather than real-life relationships.
Genuine friends care about us, know us intimately, and aren’t afraid to tell us what we need to know. Martin puts it this way: “We need friends who will wound us when we need to be wounded and bind our wounds when they need to be bound.” Precious friendships like these develop over time and through shared experiences.
But community living isn’t only found in friendships. Family. Workplace. Church. Sports teams. These are all communities. Participating in non-profits, game nights, and other organizations. These activities take place inside of communities. And finding our place, plugging in, and sharing with others requires determination. However, the benefits are worth the effort.
The article “Impact of Community on Mental Health (and How to Find Yours)” at Pathlight Mood & Anxiety Center states, “When we’re surrounded by people who accept us fully for who we are, we’re more likely to feel supported, loved and valued. That’s one of the reasons such a strong link exists between community and mental health.”
The same article lists these five benefits of a healthy community:
Belonging – An accepting community allows a person to stay true to themselves as well as allowing for the person to receive as much as they give.
Support – Within a thriving community, a person feels cared for and respected. During difficult times, they are reassured and offered hope.
Purpose – The role within the community gives each person a sense of purpose.
Safety – Within the right community, trust exists. Because a person can be themselves, mistakes turn into learning opportunities. They also build a stronger sense of self-worth.
Recovery – During times of distress, those in a nonjudgmental community are more likely to seek care for their mental health.
Take a moment to think about who you interact with. Do you have a community, a place where you can be yourself and receive support, encouragement, and valuable feedback? While joining a new group or searching for in-person friends who have our best interest in mind may be uncomfortable, modeling this behavior helps our teens understand the value of communities.
How about your children? Can you help them understand why in-person connections are important?
Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom. Barb was named in the list of 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids.
