In fifth grade, a boy asked me to “go with him,” the phrase used at the time to ask someone to be his girlfriend.
Wide-eyed, I responded, “Go where?”
As it dawned on me what he was really asking, I regretted my reply but was too shy to backpedal and say, “Yes.”
This was the beginning of my dating era.
Between that 5th-grade encounter and my first wedding at age 19, I dated too-many-to-count boys. Some relationships were short-lived, and some lasted years. Each one, though, took a piece of my heart. Every time I was all in. It wasn’t the same for all the boys, though.
I wish I could go back and tell that little girl her life was complete without a boyfriend. She didn’t need a boy to fulfill her. Also, she could establish, communicate, and stick to her boundaries.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know I could or should create boundaries for dating and physical intimacy. And I was too insecure to say no when pushed past the place where my boundaries should have been.
Dating Isn’t a Necessity
Maybe we don’t say it often enough. Teens don’t need to date. They can be happy and content staying single. I know plenty of young adults who haven’t been in intimate relationships. They find satisfaction in their work, friendships, and family. They’re loving life.
However, most teenagers will date. Given that information, let’s help them set boundaries regarding intimacy, time spent interacting, and influence over each other.
Intimacy
It’s an awkward conversation. Sexual intimacy. Yet, talking with our children about phases or steps that lead up to intercourse may help them understand they can choose to say no anywhere along the path. From hand-holding to kissing to touching private parts, there should be a stopping place. And it’s perfectly okay to determine where that stopping place will be.
Encouraging our children to set boundaries now may give them the permission they need to say no later.
However, they should communicate their boundaries (with words) before it’s necessary to say no. By stating them during the beginning stages of a relationship, they avoid the awkwardness of stopping in the heat of the moment. They also avoid the possibility of sailing past a boundary because their hormones are surging and they are so immersed in the situation they ignore the boundary line.
Time
Besides physical boundaries, help your teens define time limits for engaging with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Texting, snapping, phone calls, and hanging out can rob your child of precious time for homework, extracurricular activities, family time, and friendships. These are all crucial for a well-rounded individual.
Sit with your teenager and discuss the following together.
- Decide how many hours per day they will chat online.
- Establish the number of times per week they will see their partner in person and which days (weekdays or weekends) they will meet up. Clear, concise parameters help eliminate confusion and hurt.
- Set a limit regarding how long they will spend together in person and what time they will be home.
- Make a list of date ideas. Deciding plans beforehand has benefits. Creative, fun activities remove tempting situations like watching TV in a bedroom. Brainstorm inexpensive dates like bowling, bicycling, game night, or going for ice cream.
Influence
Many teens are so engrossed in their relationship they isolate themselves from others and stop pursuing their passions. They drop out of sports or after-school organizations, abandon hobbies they once loved, and neglect family and friends.
In an unhealthy relationship, one person may put the other down, control the other, manipulate, or use passive-aggressive techniques to get what they want. Help your teens recognize these as lines that should not be crossed.
Healthy relationships allow space for each person to follow their goals and dreams. A loving partner encourages the other to pursue their own interests and friendships.
While these conversations may be awkward, reminding teens that boundaries are important helps them avoid toxic relationships now and in the future.
Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom. In March 2025, Barb was named in the list of 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids.
