I’m a perfectionist by nature. My get-it-right attitude seeps into work, family, and social interactions. My kids, husband, and co-workers expect me to correct grammatical errors on social media posts and in books I’m reading.
I can’t help it. I desperately want the tasks I’m performing to be perfect. And if they aren’t, well … my self-talk reflects my defeated mentality. If I missed a dish while loading the dishwasher, I think, You idiot. If I eat more than I should have, I ruminate on the misstep over and over. And if I snap at someone, when my head hits the pillow, my brain stews. Why were you like that? Why can’t you be kind? That person won’t like you anymore.
I’m not the only one. I’ve noticed my friends struggle with this. Additionally, a lot of teenagers berate themselves if their appearance isn’t flawless or their social media post isn’t up to par, or their latest art project doesn’t reach the level of perfection they attempted. Their self-talk spins a tale, and their self-worth plummets. They reject themselves and hold others at arm’s length. Before long, they are anxious, worried, and depressed.
Unfortunately, social media fuels perfectionism.
A teen girl scrolls Instagram or TikTok and sees a favorite influencer with smooth skin and every hair in place. The teen compares her own imperfections with the poster’s beauty and realizes she will never measure up. A teen boy envies the muscular build of the influencers in his feed and feels dejected.
Behind every post, reel, and highlight are complex individuals—a fact many teenagers overlook.
How do we combat this perfectionistic outlook?
Let’s begin by looking at a few differences between perfectionism and striving for excellence, inspired by Brené Brown’s work in Daring Greatly:
- Perfectionists are driven by outward sources like what others will think. Peers, online sources, and other measurements dictate behavior. Those who strive for excellence are inwardly motivated. Pride and personal satisfaction over a job well done motivate behavior.
- Perfectionists seek external validation—approval and acceptance of others. Their identity is defined by external outcomes. Those who strive for excellence desire intrinsic satisfaction—self-improvement and personal growth. Excellence flows from an identity rooted in pursuing success with integrity.
- Perfectionists are afraid of failing, of not being good enough. They attempt to avoid criticism and judgement by making zero mistakes. Those who strive for excellence are courageous. They work toward their goals even when others judge them. They use criticism and feedback to improve.
Wanting to perform at our highest level is an admirable quality; however, believing we must be faultless to be loved and accepted is untrue.
When deciding whether you are striving for excellence or desiring perfectionism, remember this: THINK INWARD, NOT OUTWARD. Inward motivation and inward sources produce inward growth, satisfaction, and self-worth. Goals worth attaining.
Striving for Excellence
We can help our children by teaching them it’s okay to fall short of perfection. We won’t always get everything “right.” No level of achievement will compel every person to love and accept us. Perfection is a myth beyond our grasp.
When your teen feels incompetent, ask if they tried their hardest and did their best. If so, it’s a win. If they didn’t give it their all because they were afraid of failing, it’s okay. Ask your child if they are worried they aren’t hitting the mark their social media feed sets for them. Maybe scrolling less or taking a break from social media may help. Tell your children, often, that you love them for who they are, not because of what they do.
Take opportunities to praise your child for their work ethic. Remind them that life is a journey. We never “arrive.” However, pursuing excellence along the way provides joyful moments and reasons to celebrate.
And, remember, there are no perfect parents. Parenting is a journey with ups and downs—triumphs and defeats. When we aim for excellence, we are more content, more confident, and more forgiving—of ourselves and others.Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom. In March 2025, Barb was named in the list of 20 Inspiring Women Dedicated to Making Life Safer for Kids.
