What is Consent?
Two high school students attend a party after the big game. They’ve dated for six months and consider themselves a couple. Alcohol is served, and they both partake. Feeling relaxed, they find an empty bedroom. Neither talks, and their sexual activity escalates beyond previously discussed boundaries.
The next morning, they may both feel okay with their decision. However, one (or both) may regret the choice to succumb to the moment. Either way, consent was never established. And, if one is over the age of legal consent and one is under, the older could be accused of sexual battery.
As a Sexual Risk Avoidance Educator, I frequently talk with teens about consent. I often learn that while students think they understand what it looks like, they don’t fully grasp the concept, much less the law.
What is consent?
Consent, in general, means to give permission. In the context of sexual activity, “consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both . . . understand and respect each other’s boundaries.
Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.”
Note that an underage person cannot agree to sexual activity. In the United States, the age of consent is 16-18 years old, depending on the state. There can be exceptions, but if an 18-year-old engages in sexual activity with someone younger (i.e. 15 or 16), the parents of the younger teen can accuse the 18-year-old of sexual battery. I’ve seen it happen.
Also, notice that consent cannot be freely given when an unequal power dynamic exists. Whether or not someone commits sexual battery can depend on their position of authority or their age relative to the victim’s age. A student may feel obligated to a teacher. An employee may believe they will lose their job if they don’t comply. A teen may be afraid to reject a bully’s advances.
Some laws appear harsh, but they were enacted to protect the innocent—those who feel intimidated, coerced, or pushed into participating in sexual activity.
In the classroom, we tell students, “No means no. That’s a given. However, a lack of response may also mean no.” Some people freeze when they’re in an uncomfortable position, especially when one person appears to have power over the other (i.e. older, stronger, an employer, etc.).
A person should request and give consent at each step of intimacy—all steps and sexual activity leading up to and including intercourse. “May I hold your hand?” “Is it okay if I kiss you?” “May I put my hand here?”
Consent is not ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.
An Enthusiastic Yes
In other words, we’re looking for an enthusiastic yes. “Enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a ‘yes’ rather than the absence of a ‘no.’ [It] can be expressed verbally or through nonverbal cues, such as positive body language like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and nodding. These cues alone do not necessarily represent consent, but they are additional details that may reflect consent. It is necessary, however, to still seek verbal confirmation. The important part of consent, enthusiastic or otherwise, is checking in with your partner regularly to make sure that they are still on the same page.”
Bottom line: communication is important. If a person is not mature enough and bold enough to ask specific questions, discern nonverbal clues, and wait for a definitive answer—an enthusiastic yes—they aren’t mature enough to participate in any type of sexual activity.
Consent and Pornography
Unfortunately, pornography portrays the mistreatment of (typically) women. The “plot” depicts a woman saying no but eventually enjoying the act. The women aren’t agreeing, and their partner ignores their pleas to stop. But in the end, everyone is happy.
We know this is unrealistic. Preteens and teens do not. They watch pornography for their sex education and mimic what they see. Therefore, they do not understand consensual sex, do not ask permission, and do not wait for an enthusiastic yes.
Talk About Consent
But we can change the conversation. We can begin talking with our children at a young age about consent. For example, we can share polite responses to offer people who try to hug them. Then, as they mature and we start discussing the harms of pornography, we can remind them how porn depicts unrealistic expectations. Point out that no one is asking for or giving permission in those videos.
Promote Respect
Talking about the legal definition of consent is important because we don’t want them in legal trouble. But additionally, we can cultivate an environment in which we seek permission and respect each person’s boundaries. We can help our children understand that, in general, it’s okay to tell someone no. And when someone tells us no, that doesn’t mean they are rejecting us. There’s no need to take it personally. Inside a healthy relationship, one in which there is mutual respect, everyone feels comfortable and safe saying no.
When is the last time you spoke with your preteen or teen about consent? Do they know the legal definition as well as the principle behind the law?
Barb Winters is a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, and founder of Hopeful Mom.
